Saturday, February 27, 2010

Top Five Reasons to Fear Massage

Number Five: I am a jokester, so I’m concerned that I’d attempt the old tightness-in-the-groin gag, and spend the night in jail.  Sometimes my jokes aren't taken the right way.  For example, my car was hit from behind a few years ago.  An insurance investigator checked out my car.  She sat in the passenger seat, which was too far forward, looking for VIN numbers or whatever they do.  Well, in adjusting the seat, she got it to instantly recline all the way.  I said "Oh, I'm sorry - my car has apparently gone into date mode".  She didn't laugh at all.  I thought it was so funny, I couldn't just give up so I tried it again later.  Nope, still not funny.

Number Four: I am quite ticklish, so I’m afraid that I would laugh and convulsively flop around on the table.  Massage is a serious business, and they're trying to help you.  I sure hope I don't frustrate this person and go coco-puffs.  And to think people wonder why I didn't manage to have kids until the age of 36.

Number Three: I am quite wimpy, so I’m afraid that it will hurt and that I will be crying and begging them to stop.  As I've admitted here, I'm pretty much a geek.  In other words, bodies are primarily there to hold up their glasses. If they start digging into what little muscle and gristle I have, I may have to go from the massage place to the ER.

Number Two: I’m not exactly an Adonis, so I’m concerned that the therapist will refuse service.  I can just hear it now:  "Oh no sir, even from this distance, I can tell that you are in no need of a massage from your excellent gait and balance.  You're one of the lucky ones."

Number One: And of course, the number one concern: what if I actually do have a tightness in the groin? I would simply die.  I still remember sitting there in middle school English class, praying not to be called up to the board.  Let the verb conjugate itself!  Girls have it so easy - it's tough being a guy.

With all these concerns, you would be quite right to wonder why I'm doing it anyway.  And here is the answer.  I feel good about how I'm doing in the C25K program.  I feel like Jim Carrey in Yes Man.  I know lots of other people get good results from massage, and so I think I should give it a try.  I know that mashing my calves has helped my legs get accustomed to jogging.  So, wish me luck understanding that I should probably just go to a shrink instead. :)

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